Looking Back, Moving Forward

Oh, what a year it has been. 

I was just reading last year’s December 31 entry and I was struggling. A lot. At the time I blamed it on Covid and the state of the world, and sure that was part of it, but mostly I was unhappy because I was still lying to myself. I was still engaging in some of my old toxic behaviors when at my core I knew it was stripping me of my power and in no way aligned with living as my highest self. 

But like Kacey Musgraves sings about: Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line.

I had started the work on myself and had made real progress but wasn’t entirely free from my old patterns and addictions to the wrong kind of love. 

Cut to today and wow, what a difference. There’s a feeling of warmth, lightness, and joy radiating from my bones. So, if you are in the belly of the storm, keep reading because change is possible!

There are three things I know without a shadow of a doubt have brought me back to myself – the little girl who was brave, secure, happy and full of confidence and self-love. 

1.     Consistent weekly therapy.

2.     Consistent hot yoga + meditation.

3.     Being alone.  Pressing pause on romantic relationships for more than a year. 

 As I reflect on 2021, I am most grateful for Dr. Rick who called me out on my bullshit: “No, Catt, you’re not fine and we’re going to stop lying to ourselves now, k?” He helped me to understand my drug of choice and how to come clean from it (a trauma-bonded relationship that looked like love on the outside but didn’t behave like love on the inside). 

In February of this year I began practicing with Joe Komar (and often my besties Jacey Duprie and Catalina Su) at Urban 728 Yoga in Los Angeles. Day after day, week after week, I made going to the mat in the hot room a priority. It meant wringing out the old, stuck, negative pent-up weight I was holding on to. It meant showing up when I was low, when I was high, when I didn’t feel like doing it. Over time, with the purge, came an opening – an opening up of my body and of my heart. I was learning to drop my former attachments to things and people and finally trust myself again. Love myself again. Wholly and completely. It was like returning to a pureness, an innocence – like coming home. Physically my body was becoming stronger, more capable, going to extremely challenging edges – basically coming up against things I had been hiding from. And after many many months of this, eventually the flow began to feel like a genuine stream of light taking up space in all the cells in my body. 

I am forever indebted to my teacher Joe for for creating a safe space to share and expand, but also for inviting me to simply show up for myself. Over and over and over again. One of the greatest gifts of this year and perhaps even my lifetime.

There were many therapy sessions and yoga sessions when talks of a partner would come up. Are you dating anyone? Are you getting out there again? Are you ready to start to attract the type of person you deserve who values the same things you do: Honesty, family, openness, growth, and real connection in the most vulnerable of ways? 

For many months, the answer was: I’m not ready. 

Until eventually I was. 

I’m ending the year spending time with a man who is patient and kind and selfless and loving and considerate and curious and for the first time in a long time, I feel alive again. I believe again.  I feel like my best self has collided with a powerful force of energy and everything is firing on all the right cylinders. I am especially grateful that he has reminded me of what is possible between two humans who desire something real and beautiful.

But mostly, as I think about the last year, it is about how much I’ve learned to love myself.

I’m comfortable in my own skin again because I am taking care of her. 

I’m choosing every day for her. 

I’m listening to her. 

I’m being compassionate with her. 

I’m saying no for her. 

I’m saying yes for her. 

I’m a better mother for her. 

I’m a better friend because of her. 

And just like that… all things are possible again. 

So, if you’re reading this, and you need a little hope heading into 2022, please know that change can be yours! You are not defined by where you are at this exact moment. Nothing is forever and all that you need is inside of you. It always has been. And as much as I love a reset and a fresh start on the calendar, time is just a social construct isn’t it? Stay in the present. Feel your feelings. Breathe. Talk kindly to yourself. Believe in magic. Expect miracles. Find beauty in both the suffering and the rejoicing. Try and release all those attachments – no one or no thing belongs to you. Write down where you are and what your greatest desires are because they are yours already. DECIDE that they are yours already and then make sure every choice you make aligns with THAT. You’ll be amazed at not only how full of a life you can create but also how you’ll be able to serve others in a more impactful way. 

 And finally, notice that my year-end reflection wasn’t about my professional accomplishments (or lack thereof)? Those are important but I am not my job or my title or my identity in relation to any of that. Thank you for accepting me as I am and riding with me all these years. 

Wishing you an exorbitant amount of light and love and health today and all the days in 2022.

I LOVE YOU,

Catt